do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
