I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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