I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
pray to the hookup gods
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm too high and old for this...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
