I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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