dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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