tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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