my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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