You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
