I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
