Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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