dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
