hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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