Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Randomize
