My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
