does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i want to swaddle you in tequila
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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