the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
