I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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