i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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