my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
