I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
