i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
