i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
