My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
