2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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