I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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