My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
