do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
