I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
