if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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