i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize