Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Randomize
