How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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