Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
