You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
