life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
