remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
