and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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