I think my fart just growled at me.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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