The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just google imaged poop.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
