Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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