Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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