i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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