when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize