I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
