I think im going to throw up on grandma
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
