May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
