woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
