Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
