I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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