why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
