I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
