Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
