I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
