woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
