Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
