so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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