i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
