Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
