Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
