Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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