I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
