After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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