We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
do nipples grow back?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
