So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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